Love the Message...Don't Love the Messenger

Why is it that we can't see the really good stuff about ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to only see ourselves through others' eyes? Why do we have to let others validate what we should already know?

Why? Why? Why? And it's only 10:00AM.

But I was thinking...6 months after I separated from my husband of 16 years, I thought I was in love. I wasn't of course, but I truly thought it. Here's why. I thought I was in love because this kind man SAW in me, what I WANTED to be. He saw smart, strong, passionate, sexy, decisive. I saw weak, tired, overwhelmed and old. However, as I moved through the process of separation and eventually divorce, things changed for me. Drastically. I made decisions I never thought possible. I moved across the country with two small children. I slowly lost 62lbs. I went back to work after a five year absence. But somehow, in the back of my mind, I always gave the credit to him. I give the credit to someone else. Someone else entirely. It was never about me. I never felt fully responsible for the way in which my life changed. I never believed that I had it in me. But because HE saw and believed that I had it in me, well, it was enough. It was enough just knowing that he COULD see it. And that's how I fell in love with the messenger.

Now five years later, I realize that I did, in fact, possess ALL of the qualities that this man saw. At the time I just didn't see it. He didn't create the new Rose. That Rose was always there. I just couldn't see her. But just because you can't see something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I think they call that a leap of faith?

Listen, there's nothing wrong with having someone who helps you through a difficult time. There's nothing wrong with someone who gets you. There's nothing wrong with someone awakening something buried so deep inside your soul it makes you want to change your life completely. There's nothing wrong with discovery, hope, introspection, dreams. There's nothing wrong with any of it. I am grateful for my friend, I always will be. But my issue though is when we give too much of the credit away. To not make it about yourself, but to make it more about the other person. Which is exactly what I did when I fell in love with the messenger. See, when you do that? You don't fully accept the responsibility (and blame?) for the way in which your life turns out. You think that this other person is the only one that can see you in this new, marvelous way. But here's the thing. If the new relationship with the new person who you gave all of credit to doesn't work out (becomes too boring, too empty, too far away, whatever...), you will be forced to continue to search because you think you NEED someone else to see you with those same eyes.

Ah, I have seen my life through too many messengers eyes over the last few years. And for some reason, I have never been able to see it for myself. It has been exhausting. But latest one? The Zen-Like Heart Break of February (I thought I would give it a proper title already, like the Crash of '29.) finally forced me see my life through my own eyes for the first time in 5 years. Why? Because I had to push myself through another excruciatingly painful time, but this time there was no one waiting on the other side to cheer me at the finish line. It was just me. I had to figure out my own message. This time I couldn't envision HOW I was going to turn out by looking through someone else's eyes. And believe me, it was very difficult.

But, dammit, here I am. And I see the person who has made it through all of this. And truthfully? She ain't too bad.

Sure, it's a little scary at first, looking in a mirror and truly seeing yourself. Not how others see you, or even how you think they see you...but to see the person that you really are...it's empowering, to say the very least. Some days I still find myself tired or old or overwhelmed, but for the most part, I am Rose. And I sort of like her message.

Maybe for today, I will keep looking at myself in the mirror...to see my life for exactly what and where it is. I will not give the credit away for what makes me happy. I will not shift blame. I see myself through my own eyes. And I will learn to love the right messenger.