Pox and the City

5 days before the girls were supposed to fly to Dallas for Christmas, Natalie got the chicken pox. It was a very mild case, but it still was the chicken pox. Natalie stayed home from school for the next 4 days; drank lots of juice, drew cool pictures, read some books and simply hung out with me. Although poor Natalie missed a piano recital, a chorus solo, holiday parties and 4 days of her beloved school, I have to admit we had a pretty good time together. And then somehow the day before she was to get on an airplane to spend Christmas with Gary...the chicken pox disappeared. So, miraculously she and little sissy, Charlotte got on the airplane (with their grandfather) and flew to Dallas.

Ah, then 5 days before the girls are to fly back home to VA...Charlotte got the chicken pox.

It was a miserable phone call listening to my dear Charlotte tell me all about the little 3 pox that she found on her tummy. 'Mommy, I woke up this morning and they they were...' I wanted to cry, but knew that I shouldn't. So, instead I listened to her tell me about the pox ('They are red and all in a row...'), where they were, how they didn't itch (yet), and that she missed me. So much.

Charlotte didn't cry, but I could tell that she was about to, so I told that I loved her and I would see her soon, I promise. And when we hung up, I could feel my heart break knowing that my youngest daughter had the chicken pox, and was a time zone away.

Insert tears here.

Intellectually, I knew she would be okay with Gary and Tricia (damn, we do love that Tricia), I knew they will gently put on the Calamine lotion, I knew they will rub her back and tell her it's okay. I knew that SHE would be okay. Life goes on with or without me. But, emotionally, I still wanted to be with her. I wanted to smell her head. I wanted to look at her while she slept. I wanted to sing her "We've Only Just Begun".

Okay, okay, I guess sometimes, motherhood defines me. And this was one of those times. Here I was alone at Christmas time while one of my children was in Dallas with chicken pox. It would have been easy to slip into Mommy mode; making smoothies and playing Crazy Eights. But it was not meant to be this year, this year I was on my own. Without a child in sight.

I know that as a single mother, I hide behind my kids. I hide behind the soccer games, the piano lessons, the play dates and the cupcakes. I make them the the fence that keeps life out. And truthfully? Sometimes hiding behind them is easier than being out there.

Look, I know that I DO have a life outside my kids; I have my job, my friends, my writing and occasionally, I have Elizabeth City. But ah, motherhood. Motherhood is the ponytail of my life. Easy. Comforting. Uncomplicated.

It pulls the other stuff out of my face, clears my vision, and makes me feel better.

And for some reason, motherhood even makes me feel safe. Safer than I ever felt in my life. And I believe that everyone needs a place to feel safe.

Even from chicken pox.