Basic Instinct

What if you don't trust your instincts? Okay, what if you do trust them but don't want to follow them? What if you want to do something for the sake of doing it? Not because it's good for you or not because it's the right thing to do? What if you just want to do it? How about this one. What if you just want to ignore your instincts? Will they hang their instinctive heads and simply go away?

What if instincts be damned?

Listen, I am not talking about anything illegal. I am not talking about causing harm to anyone. I am simply talking about ignoring the voices in my head and ignoring the basic instinct. How bad can that be?

Okay, the fact that I am even asking the question doesn't bode very well for me, does it? But, sometimes I do a very odd thing. I will think and think and think about something...and then after much thought, I decide to finally do something, sometimes without consulting the person in which it involves. (And there are even times that I consult EVERYONE but that person. Ick.) So, in my mind, I have thought about it ad nauseum, but the unsuspecting soul that it involves? Never heard a word of it. And inevitably, I surprise the poor soul with my declarations of truth and whatnot...

But this is different (she says), I really don't have to consult anyone about this situation. This one is just for me to decide. And it's a tough one. But it's my tough one. See, sometimes I feel like I talk about my life more than actually live my life. Like my life is a really good conversation piece or something. But this time, (she implores), it's different. This one I get to decide something on my own. Okay, granted it's nothing earth shattering, but still, it's important to me.

So. I am sitting here at my computer writing out the Pro and Con list. Wondering if this really would be different for me. And thinking about my instincts. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.

It's funny how I can do the parenting thing with my eyes closed. Somehow THOSE instincts I can trust without a shadow of a doubt. I don't think too hard about being a good mother, I just mother. And as a mother, I usually don't spend time questioning my actions, wondering about options or regretting decisions. I know it's the easiest and best thing I have ever done. And that has always surprised me (and everyone else for that matter). Motherhood was scary at first, but now, 10 years later with a divorce and two fabulous daughters under my belt, I find that it comes naturally. And although I am far from being perfect, my motherhood style definitely works for us.

So then why is it that I can't trust my instincts in other aspects of my life? It's like I become this ridiculous mass of insecurity when I am not driving my minivan.

So, with the exception of motherhood, I guess sometimes it's easier for me to think about something instead of doing something. I guess sometimes I would rather talk about the possibility of a boyfriend than to really HAVE a real boyfriend. I guess sometimes I will use my instincts as an excuse for not doing something. Hmmm. I claim that my instincts are protecting me from something, but in fact it is just preventing me from taking a stand. From doing something. Wow. What a concept. Sometimes I use my instincts as an excuse for not doing not doing something.

But this time? Not so much. I am going to take the risk. I am going to do something. And I am going to enjoy every minute of it.

Okay, so at least I will try.