Modern Love

Modern. Love. Modern love. Have you ever wondered what is modern love? Hmm. Modern love.

I guess for my hometown newspaper, The Virginian Pilot, Modern Love would be...me.

ME!

I am thrilled to write that I was published in the Virginian Pilot last weekend. (God, remember, when it was called the Virginian Pilot-Ledger Star? And CVS as People's Drug Store...and Arlo was still on the radio? Oh. He still is on the radio. Humpf. Some things never change.) This isn't the first time, I have been published in the Pilot (nor will it be the last, I hope...), but still, it's so very cool seeing your name in print.

So. I was published last weekend in a column called "Modern Love". Yes, stupid title, cool columns. Usually the Pilot uses New York Times writers for this column, but now they want to try and local voice. (Me? Me? Me?). And the best part? There was a TEASER on the front page about my article. Yippee. On the front page. Yippee again.

Anyway, please allow me to brag. C'mon, indulge me a little. Just a little? So here I am, Modern Love, in black and white, with an older piece I wrote about 2 years ago, "Dancing at the DMV'. Damn. I loved this piece. It was so...hopeful.

And the no, I had nothing to do with the illustrations...


http://epilot2.hamptonroads.com/Default/Scripting/ArticleWin.asp?From=Archive&Source=Page&Skin=VirginianPilot&BaseHref=VirginianPilot/2007/01/20&EntityId=Ar04001&ViewMode=GIF

The Whole Package

Have you ever noticed that "Package Deals" are never exactly what you want? Maybe you wanted onion rings, instead of the fries? Or maybe you didn't need the rental car with the airfare AND hotel? It's like the Package Gods put together a deal that looks good on paper, but is not so good in real life.

So, maybe once or twice you got the Package Deal and you discovered that you were never really happy? Like something was missing? And even though it might have been easier, more convenient and even cheaper to go with the Package Deal, it was never the most satisfying. So. Perhaps the next time, you decide to go al la carte and be done with it. Sure, it might be a little more money, a little more time, a little more effort, but in the end, you get what you want, right?

Sometimes dating is a lot like those 'package deals'. Good on paper. Not so good in real life. And somehow you really believe it should be good, since it appears to be exactly what you want...

But what happens, like in the Package Deals, is that you are only focusing on ONE part of what you really want. 'Hmmm. The triple bacon and mushroom cheeseburger on sourdough sounds exactly like what I want...but I don't need all of those fries...and I want a milkshake instead of a big soda. Hmmm. But, it IS only $4.99 for the package deal, and all you have to say is 'I want the #5, please'...so maybe I will just get it.'

And so it goes. You end up with the damn fries and a big Coke to go along with the object of your your desire...the triple bacon and mushroom cheeseburger. Humpf. Sure, you eat it all, but in the back of your mind, you know it isn't what you wanted at all.

You should have asked for the onion rings and the chocolate milk shake to go with your triple bacon and mushroom cheeseburger, because that's what you REALLY wanted. But, we all know that sometimes it's hard to simply ask for what we want.

Okay, so maybe for some people, asking for what you want or need isn't a tough thing. And for all of you out there, I salute you. You are those people that can clearly communicate what they want or need from another person. Wow. Here's the funny thing. I can do that with my kids, no problem. They know what is expected from them. They know what I need from them. And I know what they need. Our communication is very clear. Both ways. That relationship is easy.

It's some of my other relationships that go into that gray area.

Why is it that I am afraid to simply say what I want? Am I scared that I won't get it? Am I scared that I don't deserve it? Or am I terrified that wanting something makes me weak somehow. Like I should be grateful for what I have and not want anything else? Ah. Maybe that's it.

Sort of like the Stones singing 'you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need' . Maybe I feel like the 'wants' are too much to ask for? So I am just surviving off basic needs?

Well, it's a new year, and it's time for me to understand what I truly want in a relationship...

I want the whole package, not just the package deal. I want to be in a real relationship. I want to remarry someday (and that's the first time I have said/typed THAT one out loud) I want to make plans for the future with someone. I want to work together towards a common goal with someone. I want to grow old with someone. I want the loves of my life, Natalie and Charlotte to be spend time with the love of my life. I want to integrate all of the Rose's, the Soccer Mom Rose, the Anxious Rose, the Dating Rose, the Giving Rose, the Room Mother Rose, the Neurotic Rose, the Entertaining Chef Rose, integrate all of those into a REAL relationship with someone. I want to plan to spend every Christmas with someone. I want the hot sex AND the hot chocolate. I want to share the stresses as well as the successes with someone. I want the family parties with someone. I want 'brunch with the sister' with someone. I want to be able to cry and not feel weak. I want to be able to be angry and not feel guilty. I want to love and be loved.

And I realize that if I settle for anything less right now, I am buying into the myth of the package deal, only because it's easier. And truthfully? It's also exactly what I thought I wanted. But I don't want to settle. I don't have to. Because I do have what I need the most, I do have my girls, my friends, my work, my family...my life.

And to me? It IS the whole package.

So, in the meantime I will wait...and have some onion rings on the side.

Pox and the City

5 days before the girls were supposed to fly to Dallas for Christmas, Natalie got the chicken pox. It was a very mild case, but it still was the chicken pox. Natalie stayed home from school for the next 4 days; drank lots of juice, drew cool pictures, read some books and simply hung out with me. Although poor Natalie missed a piano recital, a chorus solo, holiday parties and 4 days of her beloved school, I have to admit we had a pretty good time together. And then somehow the day before she was to get on an airplane to spend Christmas with Gary...the chicken pox disappeared. So, miraculously she and little sissy, Charlotte got on the airplane (with their grandfather) and flew to Dallas.

Ah, then 5 days before the girls are to fly back home to VA...Charlotte got the chicken pox.

It was a miserable phone call listening to my dear Charlotte tell me all about the little 3 pox that she found on her tummy. 'Mommy, I woke up this morning and they they were...' I wanted to cry, but knew that I shouldn't. So, instead I listened to her tell me about the pox ('They are red and all in a row...'), where they were, how they didn't itch (yet), and that she missed me. So much.

Charlotte didn't cry, but I could tell that she was about to, so I told that I loved her and I would see her soon, I promise. And when we hung up, I could feel my heart break knowing that my youngest daughter had the chicken pox, and was a time zone away.

Insert tears here.

Intellectually, I knew she would be okay with Gary and Tricia (damn, we do love that Tricia), I knew they will gently put on the Calamine lotion, I knew they will rub her back and tell her it's okay. I knew that SHE would be okay. Life goes on with or without me. But, emotionally, I still wanted to be with her. I wanted to smell her head. I wanted to look at her while she slept. I wanted to sing her "We've Only Just Begun".

Okay, okay, I guess sometimes, motherhood defines me. And this was one of those times. Here I was alone at Christmas time while one of my children was in Dallas with chicken pox. It would have been easy to slip into Mommy mode; making smoothies and playing Crazy Eights. But it was not meant to be this year, this year I was on my own. Without a child in sight.

I know that as a single mother, I hide behind my kids. I hide behind the soccer games, the piano lessons, the play dates and the cupcakes. I make them the the fence that keeps life out. And truthfully? Sometimes hiding behind them is easier than being out there.

Look, I know that I DO have a life outside my kids; I have my job, my friends, my writing and occasionally, I have Elizabeth City. But ah, motherhood. Motherhood is the ponytail of my life. Easy. Comforting. Uncomplicated.

It pulls the other stuff out of my face, clears my vision, and makes me feel better.

And for some reason, motherhood even makes me feel safe. Safer than I ever felt in my life. And I believe that everyone needs a place to feel safe.

Even from chicken pox.